I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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