I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
