Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
