sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
