I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
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Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
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I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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