A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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