He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
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I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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