Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
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i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
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Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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