last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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