I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
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The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
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One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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