Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
