I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So much Jack, so little girl.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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