I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
