I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
