The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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