the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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