My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
