Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I haven't been this sober since birth.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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