is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
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sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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