It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
