i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
