My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
