A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
