So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
