We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
