I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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