Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize