I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
