Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think I won the penis lottery.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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