WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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