Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
