You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize