My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
