I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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