I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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