fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
