My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
