Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
