I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
