KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
