I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
