Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
