I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
All the doctor said was why
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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