i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
