I swear she didn't look like that last week.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
