I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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