the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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