We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
