i wish starbucks made bloody marys
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
