you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
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