You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
