I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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