Whod you bang
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
