sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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