I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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