She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
