My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
