I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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